Today hurts!

I have tried to ignore it.. I have tried to smile through it and pretend that I am ... and in some ways I am okay.. I think I am just back to the whole being left behind thing.. I feel like I am always the one who is left behind.. no matter how hard I try I can't get a head. I am always grasping, reaching, barely keeping my head above the water.

I am happy for Brittain, really I am . I am happy that he is a nice person again. I am happy that he is the man that I married to begin with, but he is marrying someone else today.  I am happy that my girls are out there having so much fun with all of his family.. I  hate being the outsider to something that involves my children so deeply. I hate that I have to smile and hug all of THEIR family and be happy to see them and try to pretend that I don't still love them and miss them all every day.

 But I want to be happy too. I keep trying to cheer up.. I keep trying to think of all the good things in my life.. but I can't do it anymore. its 3:30 in the afternoon and I am still in my bed. I want a turn, I want a turn to be happy, to feel loved by someone, to have someone to cuddle with when I fall asleep, someone to do fun nice things for to show him I love him, I want a turn to have someone to bring on couples dates, family picnics and to church.

I guess I am just whining.. I guess I better go shower and make something for the picnic.

Thanks for listening.